Inkspeak

Dear Annabella

Sun, 13 May 2007 09:09:32 -0800

Dear Annabella, Today you and I went down to Capitola to see about a Mother's Day present. We looked in quite a few stores at wind chimes, necklaces, diamonds, sarongs, candles, and jelly beans. I don't think I really explained what we were doing - who we were shopping for. Had I done that I'm sure you would have insisted on that "fairy princess" wind chime you had to play with fourteen times. Instead we had a nice walk through the city, holding hands and talking about whatever struck us at the moment - the "bear factory", cars, bands, or candy. You had on a pair of white sandals - a hand-me-down, I'm sure - something you hadn't warn before. You told me quite a few times that your feet hurt. After a few stops and a few adjustments I noticed that your big toes were starting to get red, that a sore had formed on the top of each. I felt so bad. We took them off and I stuck em in my pockets. But, aside from the pain in your feet you couldn't have been happier. You got to prance barefoot through Capitola on a warm sunny day. You were so carefree I think you made people jealous. I watched so many look at you as if you'd just won the lottery. Who would have guessed the secret to happiness was bare feet. But I didn't write this letter to tell you about our day or how great it was - that's a happy biproduct. I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I love you, that you make me want to be a better father, that I'm sorry my attention hasn't been on you as much as it should. I love you and your mom and now Red and I have found myself feeling emotionally inept and clumsy. I've not figured it all out yet - my priorities, my drive, my purpose. All I know is that I've got the three of you and I find myself worrying about the wrong things. I worry about the bills or work or the house or something immaterial. I've lost sight of what's most important to me and I find myself saddened. It hit me today like a ton of bricks. You see, when we were walking through Capitola, after I'd helped you with your shoes, I wasn't thinking about the bills or work or the house, I was just hanging out with you. It was so innocent and pure and really made me happy. At one point I looked down at you as we walked and you were just staring back up at me. You were smiling, so simple, so beautiful. I felt so much love from you. In that moment you were a reflection of the father I want to be. Tonight, after we'd had a special family movie night, you didn't want the movie to end, you didn't want to read just one book and you didn't want to listen to anything we had to say. We ended up in a power struggle and tears and yelling and tantrums and needless to say I found myself wondering about this extraordinary contradiction of emotions. What would cause such a severe change from our wonderful time in Capitola? I started to think about what I've been doing and whether or not I've been doing the right thing. Have I been too focused on the bills and work or did I make the wrong decision when I took you to Minnesota? Or, has my attention on your mom and Red been the reason that you've been having these outbursts? Is there something that I missed? How can we go from such a happy time to such a sad time in such a short amount of time? These are hard questions for me because I tend to over-analyze things, searching for some sort of cause. I've already spent too many hours worrying about these types of questions, trying to assess some sort of fault. In the end I think it's probably more important that I skip the analysis and focus on progress; assume the worst and make things better. We'll never rid ourselves of the hiccups in life but if -we- I want to have more days like today I had better make them happen. I think "bills" and "work" are just excuses I make to make myself feel like I'm doing a good job as your dad. But, that's just an excuse. Your adoration never reflects how hard I work, only the simple pleasures and time we share together. I love you very much. You'll always be my little girl. Your, dad.

Deer, Headlights; Headlights, Deer

Fri, 11 May 2007 11:52:57 -0800

I suppose I'm letting the proverbial cat out of the bag by writing this entry. It's supposed to be a Mother's Day surprise but I'm tired and having difficulty focusing on work so I'll write instead. "Dawn":http://anothersunrise.com will probably dislike me for writing this. Maybe she'll send me to a hotel to think about what I've done. The kid's only 37 weeks, not even term, and he's sleeping in my living room. I can hear him through the baby monitor, which is propped up on the dresser behind me. He's been in the little red house under the magnolia tree for about 24 hours. So far so good, I suppose. He's got a doctor's appointment in a few hours. We'll find out for sure how -we're- he's doing. It's been so long since Annabella was this size I'd forgotten what happens. Old habits die hard though. The 11:30pm and 5:30am feedings went by very quickly and now I sit here glazed like a donut. I swear there's a guinea pig sleeping in our room. But I digress. "Red's":http://inkspeak.com/redding doing well. Annabella's adjusting - sort of. Dawn's got a headache. And I'm trying to assess when and how I'm going to write my next blog posts: * How You'll Know When Things Are Different? * How Many Times a Day Can You Shush Your Daughter Without Feeling Guilty? * Why Does My Facial Hair Taste Like Cantaloupe? I have to go work now.

Dad's Perspective, Of Late

Sat, 05 May 2007 12:46:06 -0800

I've been absent and shirking my responsibilities as a blogging father. I sincerely apologize. I have an excuse[1]. First of all there's the "March of Dimes":http://marchofdimes.com "WalkAmerica":http://walkamerica.org/inkspeak. Between fund raising, trying to find sponsors for this years t-shirts, and speaking at the south bay events, I find very little personal time. The blog has suffered. Second, there's the day job. I've got about a half-dozen projects, all in full swing. It's certainly nice to be needed but it makes my days a little long. I'm typicallly working until 8:30pm when it's time for number three... "Redding":http://inkspeak.com/redding. He's still in the hospital, of course. You'll know when he's home because I'll post a nice picture of him and his sister, snuggled down for their naps. "Dawn":http://anothersunrise.com and I have been doing our part to get him home. Dawn's up to two visits a day and I've been going in the evening. The goal is to get him eating from the breast or the bottle so he'll be cleared to come home. He's up to "five pounds":http://www.anothersunrise.com/archive/2007/05/we_hit_5_pounds.html and growing quickly. We just need to be able to feed him via the nipple - either kind. And, that's it for now. I have some chores to complete and some work to do and, of course, it's Cinco de Mayo and that means fiesta! fn1. These are in no particular order, in case you're curious.

Many Thanks To All

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 16:13:47 -0800

"Small Kisses":http://www.flickr.com/photos/inkspeak/466274551, originally uploaded by "inkspeak":http://www.flickr.com/people/inkspeak. Thank you: * "Tammie":http://livejuicy.com, for your support and your continued help with Annabella. * "Dennis":http://www.stufflife.com, for watching Annabella on such short notice. * All the grandparents, for many different reasons. Whether you like it or not, you impacted our decision to have Redding (maybe that's good, maybe not. Who knows.) * Great Grandma Lue, for your memories of Great Grandpa Hal. * Everyone who has written in support. * Everyone who has called in support. * Everyone who has "donated in support":http://walkamerica.org/inkspeak. * To my wife, for two beautiful babies. It won't be the last time I say thank you, to any of you. We couldn't have done this without the love and support of our family, friends, and coworkers.

32 Seconds of My Boy & The Name

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 19:41:39 -0800

After many months of discussion, thousands of names, and too many vetoes, I'm proud to announce "the name". h2. Redding David Jenkins ...but you can call him 'Red'.

Second Child, Second Day

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 11:52:57 -0800

I didn't rush to the hospital today, probably because of the household chores and work that have piled up. I figured it would be OK to let Dawn and the boy sleep, so Bella and I waited until 10am to head out. Coincidentally, that's when "Toys 'R' Us":http://www.toysrus.com opens. Bella wanted to pick up a stuffed blue bunny for her little brother. I think she made a good choice. When we got to the hospital we were stopped by Dawn's doctor. She told us a bit about Dawn's recovery. So far she's not been doing so well. She's battling the "magnesium sulfate":http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnesium_sulfate#Medical_use, which is really hard on the body, and she's had a fever and a possible infection from her surgery. It's crushing to see your better-half in so much pain. I just want her to feel better so she can spend more time with her son. It's never fun to wait for the prize that you've worked so hard for. Late yesterday, before she started to get worse, Dawn was rolled into the nursery to see the boy. They gave breastfeeding a try but the boy was pretty tired, as expected. The nurses did get some pictures of the two of them together. I couldn't believe it when I saw them. It took an army of nurses, and almost a month, before Dawn and I got to hold Annabella. We both got to hold him right away. I can only hope that Dawn will start getting better so she can hold him more. The boy needs his mom. We all do. If you'd like to send flowers or a gift, Dawn is at "Dominican Hospital":http://www.dominicanhospital.org in Santa Cruz. The "gift shop":http://www.dominicanhospital.org/intradoc-cgi/idc_cgi_isapi.dll?IdcService=SS_GET_PAGE&ssDocName=061718 is open every day and can help. You can also send to our home. "Contact me":mailto:andrew@inkspeak.com for a mailing address if you need one. We're off to the hospital again. Peace, love, and babies. PS. Stay tuned for the boy's name.

Baby Boy Jenkins

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 19:39:37 -0800

It's 8am and Dawn's in the hospital. Actually, "Dawn":http://anothersunrise.com, Annabella and I are in the hospital. We're here as a family; one of us writing this blog, one watching "Little Einsteins":http://disney.go.com/disneychannel/playhouse/littleeinsteins, and the other lying in a hospital bed, grimacing in pain. Dawn didn't sleep well. It seems as if her steroids wore off in the middle of the night and she spent much of her time tossing and turning on the couch. I heard the phone ring around 6am, first in my dreams, then from the living room. It was Dawn's doctor on the phone; her instructions, "head to the hospital, I'll meet you there." Fast forward to 11am. Dawn's nurse, Jane, just informed us that we're slated for a c-section at 1pm. Holy shit, that's in two hours. It's time for me to get on the phone and start securing some help. It's time to start telling people what's happening. Damned if it ain't the day for the boy to be born. Send a quick instant message to as many people as I have on my phone. Check. Call "Dennis":http://stufflife.com, bribe him to watch Bella while I'm in surgery with Dawn. Check. I may have told him I'd name the boy after him. I'm not sure, I'm very tired. "Tammie":http://livejuicy.com, my hero, stops by, grabs Bella, and runs her home for Dennis. I, in the meantime, grab a quick bite to eat in the cafeteria - on the advice of my drugged-up wife and her ever-mindful nurse - and sprint back to try on my new outfit - blue paper scrubs. Surgery time. I stood outside the operating room for thirty minutes while they got Dawn prepped. When I finally came in they had started their procedures. My job was simple, sit with Dawn, hold her hand, say encouraging things, and try not to lose it. Of course I walk in and the first thing that happens is my glasses fog up. It seems I have no idea how to wear the mask they've given me. I'm basically *BLIND*. John, the anesthesiologist, shows me how to fix my mask. My glasses unfog and I can now sit comfortably watching my wife, her vitals, the doctors, the nurses, and absolutely every second of Dawn's c-section. WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!? At one point Dawn says, "something smells funny." My response was something like, "it's OK, it's just your burning flesh." Hi, my name's Andrew, I cope with stress via humor. This is where things start to go sideways for me. You see, up until this point everything could be considered "familiar". Up until this point everything is going as I'd imagined it would. My only frame of reference, mind you, is Annabella's birth at twenty-six weeks. Bare with me while I try to figure this out. The boy was born "breach":http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breach_birth and was handed immediately to the waiting neonatal team. There really was no noise from the boy when he was passed to the team. I was a bit worried. I remember talking with Dawn a bit, all the while looking over my shoulder at the neonatal team in the corner. At some point he started to cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. I looked at Dawn and she was sobbing. I listened to my boy and watched my wife. A wave of emotion hit me and I just hung my head and weeped. With every cry from my son I felt weakened. I felt as if I'd given him everything I could. I felt as if he was crying for all of us. I feel humbled by him and his cry. He's my son and I love him dearly. A nurse looked at me, held up a scissors, and waved me over to his bed. "Do you want to cut the umbilical cord?" I didn't even hesitate. (I wouldn't miss it for the world.) I got to see him for the first time, so pink and red, so alive. He was still crying. You go son! I remember his beautiful face. After I'd cut the cord I just stared at him. It occurred to me while I stood there that the doctor's and nurses weren't really doing anything. They weren't scrambling to get a pic line [sic] in him. The weren't racing through the halls to get him into the NICU. They were chatting with me, telling me how good he looked, how he was "doing great". And then, something happened that I'll never forget. They swaddled him up in a couple blankets and handed him to me. They just handed me my son. Dawn was still on the operating table. She was completely awake and coherent when I walked over to her with her son. I asked, "Would you like to meet your son?", and she started to cry again. I placed him on her chest, six inches from her face and watched the two of them. I will never forget that moment.

Media Blitz

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 13:38:58 -0800

Here's a variety of things I've been meaning to post - mainly for "Dawn":http://anothersunrise.com. ----- Whenever Joe and I get a chance to golf we typically do so in the morning, often before 7:00am. Coincidentally, seven o'clock is also a perfect time to have a beer. Most professional golfers prefer the seven o'clock hour for their alcohol consumption. If it can work for Tiger, I'm sure it'll work for me. Anyway, it's also become somewhat of a tradition to sing a very specific song while coursing down the second fairway - toasting our temporary freedom and our morning of golf. I credit Joe for the infusion of this song into my life. Joe, this video's for you. Enjoy. And now, for something else. A picture of my grandmother and my daughter on Easter Sunday. And, for more fun, a few pictures from my early morning snow adventures with Bella.

Hippity Hoppity, Easter's on it's Way

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 11:13:06 -0800

Another Way It Can Effect Your Life

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 18:45:20 -0800

bq. _Around Annabella's first birthday, I started to get questions about whether or not we'd have another child. Let's just say that I had a difficult time with that question. I had a hard time understanding how people could ask us that, knowing "Annabella's story":http://inkspeak.com/2003/08/annabella.html. I wasn't mad, mind you, simply confused. My standard answer was usually a blank stare followed by some stammering recount of what we'd been through. They usually changed the subject. ("more...":http://bellapalooza.org/2007/03/another_way_premature_birth_ca_1.html)_

A Couple Pictures For the Mom

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 07:01:30 -0800

The least I can do for now. I promise more soon.

Oh So Many Possibilities, Part II

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 21:12:10 -0800

Either there are fewer good names in the second half of the alphabet or I got quite a bit pickier. I finished traversing the long list of names over at "Baby Names World":http://www.babynamesworld.com only to come up with 29 more. I think I did better in "Part I":http://inkspeak.com/2007/02/oh_so_many_possibilities_part.html. |**Lane**|_Alley_|**Oscar**|_Divine spear_| |**Lawson**|_Unique_|**Palmer**|_Pilgrim_| |**Leon**|_Lion_|**Phineas**|_The Nubian_| |**Liam**|_My Country_|**Preston**|_Priest settlement_| |**Lincoln**|_Colony_|**Roman**|| |**Lionel**|_Little Lion_|**Russell**|_Little red one_| |**Lucas**|_From Luciano_|**Sawyer**|_One who saws wood_| |**Maddox**|_Giving_|**Séamus**|_Supplanter_| |**Marshall**|_Attendant_|**Sebastian**|_Man from Sebaste_| |**Maximus**||**Solomon**|_Peace_| |**Miles**||**Thelonius**|_Ruler of the people_| |**Mitchell**|_Who resembles god?_|**Vincent**|_Conquering_| |**Montgomery**|_Powerful_|**Walter**|_Rule of the army_| |**Oliver**|_Elf army_|**Xavier**|_New house_| |**Orion**||||

Knock Knock. Who's There?

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 13:03:48 -0800

Yesterday "Annabella busted me":http://www.anothersunrise.com/archive/2007/03/out_of_the_mouths_of_babes_ii.html on the telling of a very famous joke. I stand humbled, here's how it should be told.

My Father, The Corduroy Carrot

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 20:27:56 -0800

My father, who some of you know, has a blog. Actually, that's only half true. He has a blog but hasn't started writing in it. I've encouraged him to use it as a vehicle for expression, as I think he's got a unique voice and a unique perspective on life. He likes to think no one will read it, like his voice will go unheard, misunderstood, or unappreciated. I like to think that his blog will provide levity and perspective that is lacking in most of today's writing. I set his blog up a few months ago and posted a couple test posts. He's very busy so I never really expected him to post anything. Tonight, when I returned home from a much need evening of family and fun, I loaded up "Netvibes":http://netvibes.com and saw that there was a posting on "The Cordury Carrot":http://wrongdave.com. Confused and curious, I wandered over to find a "beautifully written post concerning a dear friend":http://wrongdave.com/2007/03/don-crooks.html. I hope that "this":http://wrongdave.com/2007/03/don-crooks.html post is the beginning of more things to come. I certainly appreciated. I read it twice. Please let my dad know if you think he should keep writing. Maybe with a little persuasion he'll share more.

The Blubbering of the Dad

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 16:36:12 -0800

Yesterday "Dawn":http://anothersunrise.com, "Annabella":/annabella, and I headed up to Santa Clara for the "March of Dimes":http://marchofdimes.com kick-off breakfast. We, as some of you may know, are the 2007 Ambassador Family for the southbay division. We have always taken our involvement with the March of Dimes very seriously and this year we wanted to increase our involvement. One of our responsibilities as the Ambassador Family is to speak at the southbay walks as well as the kick-off breakfast. Yesterday was our dress rehearsel for the speech Dawn and I have been preparing. I think it went ok. Dawn did great; I had a difficult time keeping it together. I'm a softy with some pretty vivid memories of Annabella's stay at "Stanford":http://stanfordhospital.com. Annabella had a great time. You would have sworn it was a party in her honor considering how much dancing and showing off she did. Give her some bright lights, an audience, and a stage and she'll steal the show. I'm not one to interrupt the pomp and circumstance of a big to-do. I had some difficulty with her antics. Eventually I lightened up a bit. The purpose of this entry isn't to talk about yesterday or my crying jag but more importantly to begin rallying the troops for this years fundraising efforts. Dawn has also "begun spreading the word":http://www.anothersunrise.com/archive/2007/02/happy_valentines_day_happy_ann.html and I'm working on getting "Bellapalooza":http://bellapalooza.org up and running. We have big goals this year and it really will require some help and effort by our beloved friends and family. Here are three things that would truly help me (to help the March of Dimes) this year: # "Sign-up with the March of Dimes to walk":http://walkamerica.org/wd_regp04.asp?walk=family&pnum=3229&pname=FAMILY+TEAMS&tname=FAMILY+TEAMS&SeId=319344&subname=Bellapalooza&v=5&tnum=446623. If you can walk with us down in Pacific Grove that's great, otherwise there is probably a location near you. If you're planning to walk somewhere other than Pacific Grove "let me know":mailto:andrew@inkspeak.com. Maybe I can stop by and walk with you. # "Donate":http://walkamerica.org/inkspeak. Help me reach my personal goal of $1200 this year. # Tell a friend. Have them walk with you or just ask them to donate. Chances are someone you, or they, know have been personally effected by premature birth. I do appreciate your time in reading this. It means a great deal to me. Sincerely, andrew