Dear Annabella,

Today you and I went down to Capitola to see about a Mother's Day present. We looked in quite a few stores at wind chimes, necklaces, diamonds, sarongs, candles, and jelly beans. I don't think I really explained what we were doing - who we were shopping for. Had I done that I'm sure you would have insisted on that "fairy princess" wind chime you had to play with fourteen times. Instead we had a nice walk through the city, holding hands and talking about whatever struck us at the moment - the "bear factory", cars, bands, or candy.

You had on a pair of white sandals - a hand-me-down, I'm sure - something you hadn't warn before. You told me quite a few times that your feet hurt. After a few stops and a few adjustments I noticed that your big toes were starting to get red, that a sore had formed on the top of each. I felt so bad. We took them off and I stuck em in my pockets.

But, aside from the pain in your feet you couldn't have been happier. You got to prance barefoot through Capitola on a warm sunny day. You were so carefree I think you made people jealous. I watched so many look at you as if you'd just won the lottery. Who would have guessed the secret to happiness was bare feet.

But I didn't write this letter to tell you about our day or how great it was - that's a happy biproduct. I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I love you, that you make me want to be a better father, that I'm sorry my attention hasn't been on you as much as it should.

I love you and your mom and now Red and I have found myself feeling emotionally inept and clumsy. I've not figured it all out yet - my priorities, my drive, my purpose. All I know is that I've got the three of you and I find myself worrying about the wrong things. I worry about the bills or work or the house or something immaterial. I've lost sight of what's most important to me and I find myself saddened. It hit me today like a ton of bricks.

You see, when we were walking through Capitola, after I'd helped you with your shoes, I wasn't thinking about the bills or work or the house, I was just hanging out with you. It was so innocent and pure and really made me happy. At one point I looked down at you as we walked and you were just staring back up at me. You were smiling, so simple, so beautiful. I felt so much love from you. In that moment you were a reflection of the father I want to be.

Tonight, after we'd had a special family movie night, you didn't want the movie to end, you didn't want to read just one book and you didn't want to listen to anything we had to say. We ended up in a power struggle and tears and yelling and tantrums and needless to say I found myself wondering about this extraordinary contradiction of emotions. What would cause such a severe change from our wonderful time in Capitola?

I started to think about what I've been doing and whether or not I've been doing the right thing. Have I been too focused on the bills and work or did I make the wrong decision when I took you to Minnesota? Or, has my attention on your mom and Red been the reason that you've been having these outbursts? Is there something that I missed? How can we go from such a happy time to such a sad time in such a short amount of time?

These are hard questions for me because I tend to over-analyze things, searching for some sort of cause. I've already spent too many hours worrying about these types of questions, trying to assess some sort of fault. In the end I think it's probably more important that I skip the analysis and focus on progress; assume the worst and make things better.

We'll never rid ourselves of the hiccups in life but if we I want to have more days like today I had better make them happen. I think "bills" and "work" are just excuses I make to make myself feel like I'm doing a good job as your dad. But, that's just an excuse. Your adoration never reflects how hard I work, only the simple pleasures and time we share together.

I love you very much. You'll always be my little girl.

Your,
dad.

annabella

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I suppose I'm letting the proverbial cat out of the bag by writing this entry. It's supposed to be a Mother's Day surprise but I'm tired and having difficulty focusing on work so I'll write instead. Dawn will probably dislike me for writing this. Maybe she'll send me to a hotel to think about what I've done.

The kid's only 37 weeks, not even term, and he's sleeping in my living room. I can hear him through the baby monitor, which is propped up on the dresser behind me. He's been in the little red house under the magnolia tree for about 24 hours. So far so good, I suppose. He's got a doctor's appointment in a few hours. We'll find out for sure how we're he's doing.

It's been so long since Annabella was this size I'd forgotten what happens. Old habits die hard though. The 11:30pm and 5:30am feedings went by very quickly and now I sit here glazed like a donut.

I swear there's a guinea pig sleeping in our room.

But I digress. Red's doing well. Annabella's adjusting - sort of. Dawn's got a headache. And I'm trying to assess when and how I'm going to write my next blog posts:

• How You'll Know When Things Are Different?
• How Many Times a Day Can You Shush Your Daughter Without Feeling Guilty?
• Why Does My Facial Hair Taste Like Cantaloupe?

I have to go work now.

annabella , dawn , redding

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I've been absent and shirking my responsibilities as a blogging father. I sincerely apologize.

I have an excuse¹.

First of all there's the March of Dimes WalkAmerica. Between fund raising, trying to find sponsors for this years t-shirts, and speaking at the south bay events, I find very little personal time. The blog has suffered.

Second, there's the day job. I've got about a half-dozen projects, all in full swing. It's certainly nice to be needed but it makes my days a little long. I'm typicallly working until 8:30pm when it's time for number three...

Redding. He's still in the hospital, of course. You'll know when he's home because I'll post a nice picture of him and his sister, snuggled down for their naps. Dawn and I have been doing our part to get him home. Dawn's up to two visits a day and I've been going in the evening. The goal is to get him eating from the breast or the bottle so he'll be cleared to come home. He's up to five pounds and growing quickly. We just need to be able to feed him via the nipple - either kind.

And, that's it for now. I have some chores to complete and some work to do and, of course, it's Cinco de Mayo and that means fiesta!

¹ These are in no particular order, in case you're curious.

annabella , dawn , redding

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annabella

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Yesterday Annabella busted me on the telling of a very famous joke. I stand humbled, here's how it should be told.

annabella , youtube

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Yesterday Dawn, Annabella, and I headed up to Santa Clara for the March of Dimes kick-off breakfast. We, as some of you may know, are the 2007 Ambassador Family for the southbay division. We have always taken our involvement with the March of Dimes very seriously and this year we wanted to increase our involvement.

One of our responsibilities as the Ambassador Family is to speak at the southbay walks as well as the kick-off breakfast. Yesterday was our dress rehearsel for the speech Dawn and I have been preparing. I think it went ok. Dawn did great; I had a difficult time keeping it together. I'm a softy with some pretty vivid memories of Annabella's stay at Stanford.

Annabella had a great time. You would have sworn it was a party in her honor considering how much dancing and showing off she did. Give her some bright lights, an audience, and a stage and she'll steal the show. I'm not one to interrupt the pomp and circumstance of a big to-do. I had some difficulty with her antics. Eventually I lightened up a bit.

The purpose of this entry isn't to talk about yesterday or my crying jag but more importantly to begin rallying the troops for this years fundraising efforts. Dawn has also begun spreading the word and I'm working on getting Bellapalooza up and running. We have big goals this year and it really will require some help and effort by our beloved friends and family.

Here are three things that would truly help me (to help the March of Dimes) this year:

1. Sign-up with the March of Dimes to walk. If you can walk with us down in Pacific Grove that's great, otherwise there is probably a location near you. If you're planning to walk somewhere other than Pacific Grove let me know. Maybe I can stop by and walk with you.
2. Donate. Help me reach my personal goal of $1200 this year.
3. Tell a friend. Have them walk with you or just ask them to donate. Chances are someone you, or they, know have been personally effected by premature birth.

I do appreciate your time in reading this. It means a great deal to me.

Sincerely,
andrew

annabella , mod , walkamerica

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She had a runny nose and the hiccups but she was kind enough to tell me which animals were the good ones. She had help though, she was listing them from a piece of stationary we had lying around. Any guesses as to what the last animal is?

annabella , youtube

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Annabella has been stable for the last few days. Her ventilator settings have come down a bit and her abdominal x-rays have stayed the same. The doctors are still watching her tummy but don't have much news to report - she'll remain on the antibiotics through this weekend, at least. Sunday she'll be one month old. Wow.

Today she was moved into another part of nursery #4. Dad was a little stressed out by the move but after some time and a quick "all"s clear" report was able to relax a bit.

While mamma and I were waiting in the NICU waiting room they called for a team to report to room 11-D for a 23 weeker! That's pretty scary. Annabella was 1 day shy of 27 weeks when she was born. I can't imagine what that family is going through. I really wish them luck.

In other news, we arrived today to find Annabella sleeping soundly on her belly.

Can you see how small she is? Her legs are bent of course but you can see her little toe in the left side of the above picture.

annabella

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Yesterday we got a little surprise from Annabella. She decided that maybe she was only having a little trouble with her belly. The x-rays were looking a little better and the doctors had good things to say about her progress. She's still going to be on some antibiotics for a few days but her condition did improve a little. That's good news.

We also brought in a big Dr. Seuss book that we leave near her bed. We take turns reading her some stories. She seems to really like them. I think today we're going to the thrift stores to pick up a few more books - yeah! When we're not reading to her directly we leave¹ a digital recorder with her nurses. It plays something from both me and the mamma.

I'll see what I can do about some more pictures. Sometimes it's a little tricky getting a good picture, as you can see, but I'll see what I can do.

¹ We're actually still working out some of the replay settings but we're really close to having this in place.

annabella

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One of the first things our doctor's told us about Annabella's stay in the hospital was that the next few months would be a rollercoaster ride. One doctor actually described the preemie "dance" as three steps forward and two steps back. That's proven to be a pretty accurate assessment.

Yesterday we learned that Annabella is having some trouble with her tummy (too put it simply). She's demonstrating some potentially serious symptoms but hopefully the doctor's and nurses will be able to treat her before they get too problematic. At this stage they are watching a few key areas in her abdomen. She's not out of control or anything like that but she does need to be watched pretty carefully. Right now she's on three different antibiotics with pretty regular x-rays and blood tests.

Aside from her tummy, though, she's very active. She's so active that she already pulled the tubes part way out of her nose (did I already tell you that?). They've had to restrain her a bit - sort of tough to watch as a parent - but that option is better for her than more Morphine. Her arm restraints have proven to be good training for her preemie-monkey skills. She likes to pop her little foot out of her blankets and try and get it up by her head. I figure by tomorrow she'll be using that big toe to scratch her ears.

Anyway, Annabella and her mom and dad are hanging in there, staying calm and listening intently to the doctors and nurses. All of the positive energies and prayers we've received have been truly helpful. Thank you. But, I'm gonna be do my best salesman pitch and solicit more. Please take a moment and send a couple positive thoughts Annabella's way (like you're not already) - the next few days are gonna be a little rough and she can use all she can get.

Love from the dad (and of course the mamma).

annabella

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She's sleeping. Actually, she's almost always sleeping - except when she's fighting with the nurses. She has quite a bit of energy and really doesn't like it when you stick tubes up her nose. I don't blame her.

She's been doing very well on her ventilator settings. She still has a long ways to go but she's certainly doing better. The doctors are watching her for a possible infection in her tummy. They had to stop giving her breast milk but hopefully that'll resume as soon as they know what's up with her belly.

How about the back of her head?

Isn't it pretty. She's gonna have a swirl in her hair just like daddy.

annabella

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Annabella had a very busy day today. Actually, she's had a couple very busy days. Her lungs have been doing better. The doctors gave her some medicine that helps to break up "junk" in the lungs - something you really don't want when you're really tiny. They've been able to get some "junk" out of the lungs, allowing her to come down on the ventilator settings.

Over the last week and a half she's been working hard to get off of the big ventilator (oscillator). They tried her on the conventional ventilator a week ago but she didn't like that at all. When we left her today she had successfully moved on to the conventional ventilator. We hope she stays there and continues to get stronger but for now this is really good news. Mama and I are very proud of our little girl.

Here are some answers to a few questions I've received over the last few days.

Q. Just how big is Annabella?
A. Annabella was born weighing 689grams. That's 1 pound 8.3 ounces (a pound and a half). She actually weighs less than that right now. All babies lose weight after birth. Preemies take a lot longer to get back to their birth weight. As for how long she is, they didn't measure her when she was born but I can tell that when she's sleeping (legs curled up) she's about as long as the tip of my thumb to the tip of my pinky (10"). I'd guess she's somewhere around 16" long stretched out fully.

Q. Have we held her yet?
A. Unfortunately, not yet. We can't wait though. We have a while to go before she's freed of some of her "helpers".

Q. Has she opened her eyes yet?
A. Actually, YES! She opens them and looks around although I don't believe she can focus on much right now. Most of the time she just squints at us. It must be a very bright world for her.

Q. Are there any more pictures?
A. Soon grasshopper, soon! We're hoping to get some more very soon.

annabella

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Mama and I spent a good four hours at the hospital today. When you break it down, four hours in the NICU is really quite crazy. There were many ups and downs, as usual, but the best part was Mama's First Diaper Change.

I'm still a bit sensitive when they move her around. I know she's extremely tough but she's still so fragile too me. All I want to do is curl her up in my arms and protect her from the world... so I have to turn away sometimes. But mama got a great surprise. She got to change Annabella's diaper for the first time. The nurse asked Dawn if she'd like to change her diaper* and I swear the look on Dawn's face was the same as someone who just won the lottery - absolutely stunned.

We've learned that Annabella is quite the little pee-monkey. On top of that she *DOESN'T like a wet diaper - I guess you'd say she's quite the little squirmy-pee-monkey! Needless to say, one of our visits today yielded an opportunity for mama to change Annabella's diaper. What fun! I guess I'm next, eh?!

For some perspective. The diapers Annabella wears are roughly the size of a playing card. If you put the diaper on properly, her little butt would be on the bottom of the diaper, the diaper would reach her armpits.

-----

Thank you to all who have written kind letters to Annabella. Never a dry eye when we read them! Dawn and I are going to start recording some of them for her to hear. We've begun recording Golden Books for her. I think she'll like those.

annabella

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annabella

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Annabella is a trooper! She's still a very sick little girl but she's doing her damndest to get through this. She had a tough night last night. The doctors continued to search for solutions to her lung difficulties and her newest treatment seems to have made a little progress towards helping her stabilize.

Mama and I went in last night and this morning to give her pep talks. I don't think she realizes just how much she's loved. We tell her everytime we're there - we have good talks.

The mama's gonna get some sleep and I'm gonna try and do some work.

annabella

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Yesterday, Sunday, at 8:07pm, Annabella turned ONE week old. On her mama's birthday, she made it to her one week anniversary. What a great present for mama.

We, went and saw Annabella yesterday, of course. She was doing pretty well, she's slowly stabilizing and her settings are coming down. The doctors tried her on a "conventional" ventilator but Annabella wasn't quite ready for that so they moved her back to the oscillator. They also have her under the "bilirubin lights", helping her process the excess bilirubin in her system - this is very common for newborns. She's getting a great tan - so much more than daddy.

Because Annabella is under the bili lights they have some sunglasses on her. They're grey and foam padded and actually quite big on her. They keep the light out of her eyes which is sort of strange because she hasn't opened her eyes yet. Or has she?

Saturday, right as I was saying goodbye, giving her a little kiss on her fuzzy head and giving my final pep talk, she tried to open her left eye. She opened it enough for me to see her pupil but not her iris - I'm expecting bright blue eyes. One of these days I think we'll get a little wink from her.

WINK

annabella

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Dawn and I would like to sincerely thank you all. The outpouring of support has been tremendous and it really does mean a great deal to us. The flowers, balloons, baby presents, emails, letters, and phone calls are wonderful reminders of just how beautiful our family and friends are. Thank you so very much. Please keep sending those positive energies, thinking those good thoughts, and saying those prayers! Please!

With much love,
Andrew, Dawn and Annabella!

PS. I hope you can forgive us for our tardiness in responding personally to your cards and letters.

annabella

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There is no easy way to start this story.

Our baby, Annabella, was born August 3rd at 8:07pm via C-Section. (Complications due to HELLP syndrome.)

As of right now mama and baby are doing well. Mama is recovering in the hospital and baby is growing in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). As my wife puts it, Annabella wasn't fully baked yet. GRIN

Annabella made it through her first 24 hours like a champion and is currently passing her 37th hour. She's tough! She was born at 26wks 6days and is very small. She cried twice when delivered, right before they got her onto a ventilator. (GOOD) She was very pink. (GOOD) She was very active in the womb and when she's not hunkered down sleeping she likes to grab fingers. (GOOD) She has very fine blond hair, tiny fingernails and toenails, and she is currently not needing any extra oxygen - she's breathing room air. (GOOD) She hasn't opened her eyes yet but she has had the hiccups a couple times.

Send positive energies our way, PLEASE!, both the mama and baby need them. They're both so important to me I don't think I could express it. Who'd have thunk that I'd become a squishy father with a beautiful baby girl and a beautiful wife. I am the luckiest man!

If you need more information, please email me personally (you know the address) and I'll help where I can.

annabella

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We're having a baby GIRL!

annabella

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