Dear Annabella,

Today you and I went down to Capitola to see about a Mother's Day present. We looked in quite a few stores at wind chimes, necklaces, diamonds, sarongs, candles, and jelly beans. I don't think I really explained what we were doing - who we were shopping for. Had I done that I'm sure you would have insisted on that "fairy princess" wind chime you had to play with fourteen times. Instead we had a nice walk through the city, holding hands and talking about whatever struck us at the moment - the "bear factory", cars, bands, or candy.

You had on a pair of white sandals - a hand-me-down, I'm sure - something you hadn't warn before. You told me quite a few times that your feet hurt. After a few stops and a few adjustments I noticed that your big toes were starting to get red, that a sore had formed on the top of each. I felt so bad. We took them off and I stuck em in my pockets.

But, aside from the pain in your feet you couldn't have been happier. You got to prance barefoot through Capitola on a warm sunny day. You were so carefree I think you made people jealous. I watched so many look at you as if you'd just won the lottery. Who would have guessed the secret to happiness was bare feet.

But I didn't write this letter to tell you about our day or how great it was - that's a happy biproduct. I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I love you, that you make me want to be a better father, that I'm sorry my attention hasn't been on you as much as it should.

I love you and your mom and now Red and I have found myself feeling emotionally inept and clumsy. I've not figured it all out yet - my priorities, my drive, my purpose. All I know is that I've got the three of you and I find myself worrying about the wrong things. I worry about the bills or work or the house or something immaterial. I've lost sight of what's most important to me and I find myself saddened. It hit me today like a ton of bricks.

You see, when we were walking through Capitola, after I'd helped you with your shoes, I wasn't thinking about the bills or work or the house, I was just hanging out with you. It was so innocent and pure and really made me happy. At one point I looked down at you as we walked and you were just staring back up at me. You were smiling, so simple, so beautiful. I felt so much love from you. In that moment you were a reflection of the father I want to be.

Tonight, after we'd had a special family movie night, you didn't want the movie to end, you didn't want to read just one book and you didn't want to listen to anything we had to say. We ended up in a power struggle and tears and yelling and tantrums and needless to say I found myself wondering about this extraordinary contradiction of emotions. What would cause such a severe change from our wonderful time in Capitola?

I started to think about what I've been doing and whether or not I've been doing the right thing. Have I been too focused on the bills and work or did I make the wrong decision when I took you to Minnesota? Or, has my attention on your mom and Red been the reason that you've been having these outbursts? Is there something that I missed? How can we go from such a happy time to such a sad time in such a short amount of time?

These are hard questions for me because I tend to over-analyze things, searching for some sort of cause. I've already spent too many hours worrying about these types of questions, trying to assess some sort of fault. In the end I think it's probably more important that I skip the analysis and focus on progress; assume the worst and make things better.

We'll never rid ourselves of the hiccups in life but if we I want to have more days like today I had better make them happen. I think "bills" and "work" are just excuses I make to make myself feel like I'm doing a good job as your dad. But, that's just an excuse. Your adoration never reflects how hard I work, only the simple pleasures and time we share together.

I love you very much. You'll always be my little girl.

Your,
dad.

annabella

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I suppose I'm letting the proverbial cat out of the bag by writing this entry. It's supposed to be a Mother's Day surprise but I'm tired and having difficulty focusing on work so I'll write instead. Dawn will probably dislike me for writing this. Maybe she'll send me to a hotel to think about what I've done.

The kid's only 37 weeks, not even term, and he's sleeping in my living room. I can hear him through the baby monitor, which is propped up on the dresser behind me. He's been in the little red house under the magnolia tree for about 24 hours. So far so good, I suppose. He's got a doctor's appointment in a few hours. We'll find out for sure how we're he's doing.

It's been so long since Annabella was this size I'd forgotten what happens. Old habits die hard though. The 11:30pm and 5:30am feedings went by very quickly and now I sit here glazed like a donut.

I swear there's a guinea pig sleeping in our room.

But I digress. Red's doing well. Annabella's adjusting - sort of. Dawn's got a headache. And I'm trying to assess when and how I'm going to write my next blog posts:

• How You'll Know When Things Are Different?
• How Many Times a Day Can You Shush Your Daughter Without Feeling Guilty?
• Why Does My Facial Hair Taste Like Cantaloupe?

I have to go work now.

annabella , dawn , redding

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I've been absent and shirking my responsibilities as a blogging father. I sincerely apologize.

I have an excuse¹.

First of all there's the March of Dimes WalkAmerica. Between fund raising, trying to find sponsors for this years t-shirts, and speaking at the south bay events, I find very little personal time. The blog has suffered.

Second, there's the day job. I've got about a half-dozen projects, all in full swing. It's certainly nice to be needed but it makes my days a little long. I'm typicallly working until 8:30pm when it's time for number three...

Redding. He's still in the hospital, of course. You'll know when he's home because I'll post a nice picture of him and his sister, snuggled down for their naps. Dawn and I have been doing our part to get him home. Dawn's up to two visits a day and I've been going in the evening. The goal is to get him eating from the breast or the bottle so he'll be cleared to come home. He's up to five pounds and growing quickly. We just need to be able to feed him via the nipple - either kind.

And, that's it for now. I have some chores to complete and some work to do and, of course, it's Cinco de Mayo and that means fiesta!

¹ These are in no particular order, in case you're curious.

annabella , dawn , redding

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Small Kisses, originally uploaded by inkspeak.

Thank you:

• Tammie, for your support and your continued help with Annabella.
• Dennis, for watching Annabella on such short notice.
• All the grandparents, for many different reasons. Whether you like it or not, you impacted our decision to have Redding (maybe that's good, maybe not. Who knows.)
• Great Grandma Lue, for your memories of Great Grandpa Hal.
• Everyone who has written in support.
• Everyone who has called in support.
• Everyone who has donated in support.
• To my wife, for two beautiful babies.

It won't be the last time I say thank you, to any of you. We couldn't have done this without the love and support of our family, friends, and coworkers.

redding

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